


tentative

by mistiia



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Getting Together, M/M, alex gets drunk to avoid his feelings, james and alex love eachother a lot - theyre just a bit slow and alex is a painicy boi, james does what he wants idk alex is just a mess, listen theyre disaster gays and its valid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-16 08:20:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18090785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mistiia/pseuds/mistiia
Summary: "Why you so interested in my dating life?" Alex mentions pointedly in a haze, tongue heavy in his mouth as he says it.Will laughs, and says it how Will always says weighted things, “You’re just looking at James like you’re wanting a shag lately.”And it’s like the whole city in front of him got sectioned off with a thick glass wall, Alex pales as white as a sheet and doesn't say anything in reply.Alex’s isn’t interested in anyone because he doesn't want anyone else, he realises, quite drunkenly.-or; james is pretty and safe. alex is one (1) big bi mess.





	tentative

**Author's Note:**

> hi this is really bad and choppy but i haven't written in ages and this is the first thing that came out of me plz enjoy :)

Alex is lay upside down on his bed, head hanging over the edge - his face slightly red from all the blood rushing upwards. Honestly, he doesn't know how long he's laying there for, but he’s staring at the ceiling like it’s going to pull this sickly feeling out of him. 

It’s one of those days where Alex wakes up and feels like the world is watching him, he can feel his nerves crawling up his back and worming in his stomach. Just one of those days where his anxiety bubbles up for no reason and bugs him all day no matter how hard he tries to ignore it. 

And now he’s exhausted, every time he moves he feels like the carpets being pulled out from under his feet and it keeps him lay flat on his back staring at nothing. It’s always been like this, for as long as he can remember there’s always some days where he can’t seem to face the world, and Alex prefers to just bury his head than face it. 

It helps that it’s silent in his room too, he’s not playing music and just listening to the deaf silence that always seems a thick presence; and the walls are muting the sound of busy London outside his window, shadows of cars and buses don’t fall heavy on his ears because he’s got his eyes closed like nothing can hurt him. 

Drumming his fingers against the bedsheets, a little puff of tension escape his mouth in a familiar way. James told him once drunk it’s one of the ways they all know when Alex is going through a rough patch, he gets restless and motionless all at the same time. 

Sometimes he can hear George moving about in the apartment, mingling in with the huffed sounds of air leaving his own nose, the kettle boiling, clangs of footsteps and anything that’s move. If he rolls over and puts his head in his arms Alex isn’t afraid to admit he’s a little vulnerable sometimes. 

He’s okay, he supposes. It’s horrible of course, it makes tears build in the wells of his eyes because no matter what he does it won’t cease, it won’t leave him alone and it never cooperates. But he’s safe, he’s stronger than he used to be- so he just lays, with his head in his arms and waits for rest. 

Alex’s phone makes a noise somewhere across the room, it sends a hot flash down his stomach and he stretches out on his bed. Chill out, he says in his head, once, twice, then a third time when he hauls himself up to find where’d he’d left the phone. 

Apparently, he’s deaf, or just wasn’t paying attention because there are messages off 3 different people asking where he is. 

Will, texting like he talks, asking if he wants to collab soon, then double and triple messaging asking if he died. 

Then Fraser, asking if he’s okay because he’s not answering James. 

And then James himself, who must have messaged him again and again trying to get his attention for 20 minutes straight. 

A small smile pulls onto Alex’s face, knowing his friends are just there fills him with a little courage. 

James’s messages include something about food - and Alex hasn’t eaten anything all day, so he pulls on a pair of sweats before thinking too much about it and grips the bedroom door handle with white knuckles and shallow breaths. 

George gives him a nod when he says he’s going upstairs, always the observant one, George probably knows why Alex has been shut in his room all day but doesn't say anything. For the better, Alex appreciates George more than anything on these days. 

“Might come up later if I finish all this.” He says, loosely gesturing to the mess he’d made trying to clean up. 

“Yeah, do- think we’re getting food.”

And with no shoes over his pink socks, Alex shuffles into the lift and stares at his tired eyes in the mirror until the door pings open and then he’s face to face with James and Fraser's apartment door. 

Usually in this state he’d have already had a meltdown in the lift and crawled back into his room for another whole day- but it’s easing slightly at the thought of a quiet night in with James. The nervous feeling making his fingers cold and weak, making him tired but unable to sleep. It’s cooling as he looks at his best friends white painted door, so he knocks, two sharp taps on the wood and it’s swinging open almost as soon as his fist leaves the wood. 

“Alex!” James greets - and he must have seen the tiredness under Alex’s eyes because he’s cupping a hand behind his neck and pulling his face into his chest; making something in Alex cool and calm - the restlessness in his whole body winds down and back in- he shuts his eyes and lets James chill his bones. 

“Are you okay mate?” James asks after a second, surprised how quick Alex was to just let James hug him without calling him a virgin. Alex doesn't say anything for a moment, opening his mouth slightly to suck in a quick nervous breath. 

“Will be.” is all he says, and that’s all he needs. 

-

Later, Alex has his feet tucked under his knees up on James’s couch blankly playing a game of Fifa he’s drastically loosing. James must be going easy on him because Alex’s hands are still shaking and his character keeps running past the ball. 

But the air is nice, it’s nicer than it was when Alex was alone, it’s comforting and makes him feel back in his own skin - what he won’t admit is that it’s probably James’s presence settling him more than anything. 

Most importantly he’d already decided the moment he stepped through the door he was sleeping on the couch that night. 

Occasionally, Alex will see James glance over at him from the corner of his eye - checking on him maybe. It’s comforting in theory but Alex feels like the world is watching him with the weight of James’s stare. 

“Do you wanna order in?” Alex asks after a while, fingers still nimble over the controller. 

James hums, “Pizza?” 

“Yeah sure.” 

James takes initiative and orders on his phone, Alex drops the controller next to him on the couch and pulls his knees up, balancing his arms on top, then his head on his hands. 

“Is it always this bad?” James asks not looking up from his phone, probably having realised Alex will clam up if he looks at him for too long. 

“What?” He asks, Alex knows exactly what he’s referring to but he just wants to make sure. James was usually more the silent comforter, observant in realising how someone was feeling and choosing actions over words. 

“You’re shaking like a leaf mate, does it always get this bad?” James then repeats, momentarily stopping scrolling on his phone to look up and survey Alex balled up on the couch in front of him. 

Alex can’t hold the intensity of James’s gaze, for even a second, it makes his stomach roll and he wants to squirm. 

Alex hums, “Not often.” 

After a second of quiet and thinking on both sides, “Seeing people helps sometimes..” He sharply laughs at the end, “Thanks for letting me hang tonight.”

“I’m always here Alex.” James smiles, rubbing at his face. 

Alex hums then, the corner of his mouth pulling up into somewhat of a smirk, “Don’t order Hawaiian again James - bit grim last time.”

James laughs loudly, and the heavy aura focused on Alex before lifts. “Just because you asked- should we get a barbecue one for George when he comes up?”

“Sure.”

-

Alex doesn't remember falling asleep, usually never does because it gets so late he just sort of passes out. 

They must have been watching movies or something right? Fallen asleep to something random on Netflix at 3 AM, the usual? No, last Alex remembers was checking his phone to see it was 10:30, getting through one episode of some random sitcom and then- 

Alex wakes up on his side between the backrest of the couch and James - head resting on the man’s stomach and arm stretched across his thighs, and Alex doesn't have a clue how it happened. 

Left-arm completely numb trapped under his own body, he looks up at James, who’s leaning back asleep on some cushions with his mouth open slightly, the appearance of sleep fools the shorter into a false hope that maybe he can get out of this without any embarrassment for either of them. 

It’s not like something like this has happened before, they crash all over the place all the time - and Alex definitely has woken up in more compromising positions than this. 

But what makes this time feel different to Alex is how vulnerable he was the day before, it was just them and Alex was in a fragile mood - but James was there. No one really knew about Alex’s nervous breakdowns recently, they knew he couldn’t sleep sometimes, knew he suffered from anxiety- but James just welcomed him with open arms and let Alex fall asleep on him like it was perfectly ordinary. 

Alex has a sinking feeling in his stomach and suddenly he wants to run. 

But James is asleep, and Alex is so wrapped up in him he’d wake him up if he tried to move, so Alex decides he’s going to push himself up the backrest carefully, attempting to climb over the back of the couch. 

“What are you doing?” James’s gravely voice, croaky with sleep splits the quiet room. Alex flinches, halfway through trying to push himself over the backrest. 

“Didn’t wanna wake you.” He replies, half nervous half sorry. 

“Was awake anyway.” 

“Sure you were.”

“You want coffee?” James asks, ignoring Alex, already off the couch and walking to the kitchen like he hadn’t just seemed dead to the world moments before. 

Alex slides back onto the cushions defeated, “Uh- no thanks.” 

He can hear James moving about in the kitchen, and even after he pulls his phone out all he can seem to hear is James moving around in the kitchen. 

It’s just past 11 AM, that means Alex slept for what must be over 10 hours - that’s longer than he’s slept in the last 2 days together. Not really knowing what to think, Alex stands up, ears still focused on every single noise that comes out of the kitchen - and walks towards the apartment door, pocketing his phone. 

“Might be back later mate, got a video to record.” He half calls behind him, brushing down the front of his hoodie. 

Alex already has the door closed behind him before James can reply. 

-

It feels like something changed, and it scares the shit out of Alex. It feels like James ripped him open and saw everything nasty inside, but sat with him and made him feel at home inside his own body again like it didn’t matter.

And it doesn't help that James is acting normally. Somewhere irrational in Alex’s head is annoyed James is fine while Alex feels their friendship has just flipped on its axis. 

They’re at a house party they probably weren’t invited to, plus ones of plus ones this time a week later, with a room full of people that have alcohol sloshing around in their cups. 

The vodka he’s sipping on is strong, stood slouched against one of the apartment walls, talking idly with someone he barely knows - glaring holes in the side of James’s head from across the room. 

He can’t understand how he feels, doesn't understand why James’s presence calms him while sending something hot down his stomach the way it does - why he even cares about what he and James are anymore. 

James was pretty in dark kind of way - long eyelashes and bold features. Tall, dark and handsome flashes in Alex’s mind but shakes it as soon as it occurs to him. He’s just- charming, he realises slowly, James is funny and intense all at the same time, a strong brow and a bright smile. 

Alex looks away briefly in a moment of guilt, and suddenly the person standing next to him is lanky and loud - Will shoves him in the shoulder and clashes their cups together. 

“Al- you alright mate, you look like you’re ‘bout to vomit.” He says loudly close to Alex’s ear, then looks down at his own drink like it’s going to kill him. 

“I’ve not drank much-“ Alex starts, then moves his feet to support the new weight of Will half leaning on him. “How much have you had? You’re gonna fall.“

“Stephen's been mixin’ my drinks.” Makes sense. “What’s wrong with you then- George is saying he wants to go sit in yours in a bit.” 

Will’s speech was seemingly too all over the place for Alex to even be bothered trying to dodge his questions. 

“Should we go do that then?” He asks slowly. 

Will’s just dragging him by the arm away from the party, presumably to where George is without answering.

Alex doesn't intend on it, it’s almost instinct to try and find James amongst everyone as Will drags him away, but he doesn't expect James to be looking right back at him, it sends something dangerous flashing in his stomach and he smiles weakly at his friend. 

Something’s sinking in Alex’s chest again, he can’t remember when James started to make him feel like this. 

“You want a top up?” Will shouts, slinging one arm around Alex’s shoulders and splashing whatever is in his own cup on the younger’s t-shirt. 

“Yeah thanks,” Will grabs an outstretched bottle someone’s handing him. “Grab one of them mixers.” Alex mumbles. 

“Gotcha mate.” 

Will felt like a breath of fresh air from his thoughts about James, granted getting as drunk as he can as quickly as he can probably isn’t the best idea but Will makes it seem easy and fun. 

So Alex just drinks, and drinks, more than he probably should have but no one bats an eye when he fills his cup again and again, and he stays tucked right next to Will for most of the night who’s equally as gone as he is. 

It must be late because the air outside has the crisp cold feel to it that only happens early in the morning. Alex and Will are sat against the wall on the balcony outside of James’s apartment, music muffled through the door, and they’re quiet for the most part. Alex’s cup resting on his thigh as the pair just stare out into London’s nightlife - the mess of blinking lights and faded buildings mixing together as the world spins. 

Alex wants to say something - say how amazing it is that they made it this far. But the words won’t come out, brain too fuzzy and words too muddled with alcohol to even string together a meaningful sentence. 

Some others are out on the balcony with them, too drunk or too overwhelmed, they’re being loud but no one can understand a word they’re saying. 

“You seeing anyone yet mate.” Will blurts out after a while. 

Alex coughs lightly and fumbles, “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“Nothin’, just thought there’s a lot of people inside an’ we’re sat out here like a pair of losers.”

Alex swirls whatever’s in his cup and takes another big gulp.

“Not interested.” He mumbles into the lip of his drink. 

Will hums around his own cup, glancing at Alex briefly before turning back to look out at the city. Someone else stumbles out onto the balcony, lighting a cigarette and sucking down the smoke like its cold water in a stuffy room. 

“You’re seeing someone then?” 

Alex frowns, “Nah.” He pulls one of his legs up and rests his cup on the top of his knee, head still spinning. 

"Why you so interested in my dating life?" He mentions pointedly in a haze, tongue heavy in his mouth as he says it. 

Will laughs, and says it how Will always says weighted things, “You’re just looking at James like you’re wanting a shag lately.”

And it’s like the whole city in front of him got sectioned off with a thick glass wall, Alex pales as white as a sheet and doesn't say anything in reply, feeling more drunk than he did a moment previous almost instantly. 

His silence is all Will needs apparently because he’s hitting Alex on the shoulder and saying he’s going to get another drink, up and leaving him sat slouched against the wall on the balcony with a bunch of strangers. 

Alex’s isn’t interested in anyone because he doesn’t want anyone else, he realises, quite drunkenly. 

-

James finds him ten minutes later, Will didn’t come back evidently, got distracted way too easily and forgot about who he was with before - and Alex didn’t move. 

James comes out balanced with his strong walk onto the balcony. Alex sees him immediately, and he knows he feels something flip in his stomach but he’s too numb to feel it. 

James himself is a bit tipsy, but not to the point he looks like he’s been drinking. Alex sees James take one breath expecting something refreshing but instead gets lungs full of cigarette smoke, and curls up his nose up in a grimace. 

“James mate!” He shouts, trying to get up now. He manages for a minute before falling forward right into James’s chest. 

“Where’s Will gone?” He mumbles once James has his arms under his shoulders holding him up. Alex’s face is pressed right into his chest, most of his weight pushing into him. 

“He’s inside still, thought I’d come and get you before you freeze to death.” James changes his grip to the sides of Alex’s shoulders and pushed him back so he can see his face. 

“Can you walk?”

“Yeah ‘course.” Alex says, steadying himself and starring James right in the eyes with new confidence. It’s intimidating sure but Alex feels like he could face the world for once. 

“‘think George wanted to go back to ours soon,” Alex says softly. 

Alex doesn't understand the moment, it’s intense but he can’t experience it because his head is spinning. 

James doesn't say anything, just stares at Alex right in the eyes like the whole world is suddenly right in front of him. 

-

They end up back in Alex’s apartment eventually, ordering KFC and trashing the front room playing Fifa. 

George is lay back on the couch drunk off his face letting an equally drunk Alex lay on his chest, listening to music and chatting bubbles. 

“Do you think James would kill me if he knew I liked him?” Alex blurts suddenly, a bit quiet a bit bold, not even regretting the confession as soon as it leaves his mouth. 

George doesn't reply immediately, but Alex hears the short breath he takes while he has his ear up against his chest, but it dosesn’t sound surprised, rather like he was waiting for Alex to say it. 

“You know what he’s like, think he’d be up his own arse about it.”

“Really?” Alex sighs, rolling all his front weight off George to the side and instead lying on the couch. 

“Doesn't he have a girlfriend though?” Somewhere in Alex’s intoxication he forgets for a moment James broke up with his girlfriend a while back- then remembers and sinks into the cushions. 

“No, he broke up with her.”

George hums, it rumbles in his chest. 

“Go for it then mate - worst that can happen is nothing happens.” 

Alex is confused how competent George is when there’s an empty bottle of rum that was three-quarters full at the start of the night on the floor next to them. 

“You don’t think it’ll be weird?” 

“Nah you and James act like a couple anyway.” George huffs a laugh - slurring the end of his sentences still. 

Will manages to go from ready to go clubbing to cold and wanting to sleep in the period that him, James, and a few others went into the kitchen to mix more drinks - he ends up falling asleep in Alex’s bed as soon as his head hits the mattress, George gets off the couch and goes into his own room a while later - shouting about not wanting to have to clean up in the morning as he went. 

And James and Alex end up in the kitchen, two cups of coffee between them as they sit at the island playing on their phones. 

“Will said he reckons you like me,” James breaks the silence. Alex pales lightly and forcefully laughs. 

Did they have the same conversation he and George had but in the kitchen?

“Fuck off.” 

“Nah I’m serious,” James says, across from Alex. 

Alex feels completely sober, and his brain in running marathons thinking how he’s going to get out of this with his pride. 

“Will’s always chatting shit.” Alex says, sounding like he dosesn’t even believe it himself. 

“Is he actually though.” Alex finds it strange for a moment why James is actually pushing this, and it occurs that James might be teasing him. 

“You’d like it if he wasn’t- wouldn’t you.” Alex taunts, a smirk breaking into a small smile. 

James’s face doesn't give at all though, Alex panics. 

“It doesn't-“ Alex can’t lie to James, he deserves more than that. “It dosesn’t bother you does it?” 

“No, no of course not.” 

Alex rests his head in his hands and sighs, “I am sorry.”

“No don’t be.” James says, and crosses around the island and pulls Alex into his side. “You’re my best friend- can’t help that I’m crazy handsome.”

Alex shove’s him off laughing, “Shut up you’re gross.”

James fakes a gasp but can’t help the smile growing on his face. 

-

James corners Alex in his hallway a few days later, with people in the other room - looking a little unbalanced and a little confused. 

It’s been playing on his mind, the paranoia after confessing to James has his head skewed, he feels like James is looking at him differently, or he’s looking at James differently he can’t tell. 

But however it was, Alex thought he was in his own in his worrying, but then-

James pushes Alex up against the wall lightly, the smaller’s wrists clasped in one of his hands - pushing back against Alex’s chest so he can’t fidget. Alex inhales as soon as it happens, heart beating out of his chest. 

“I don’t know how I feel,” James says lowly, eyes dropping down to Alex's lips, and Alex is pushing against James’s hold like he’s trying to provoke him into doing something more - but the grip on his wrists keeps him firmly in place. “But I think I’ve felt it for a while now.” 

“Yeah?” Alex breaths. Their height difference is especially prominent now, Alex has to strain his neck to look up and James is towering over his whole body. 

It’s so intense, James is just looking down at Alex and holding him still like he’s deciding what to do, making him wait. “You’ve been looking at me lately like you’re terrified.” 

Alex angles his chin down after James says this, like he’s asking James to forgive him. Doesn't even realise he does it, James does. It makes something hot curl in his stomach. 

“I felt weird ‘cause we’re-“ Alex starts and loses his words quickly at the way James is looking at him like he can’t get the words out that he knows is a lie. “Like- best mates.”

James shifts his balance slightly, squaring himself up in front of Alex and getting even closer somehow. Their abdomens are practically touching now, Alex’s wrists trapped between them and James’s other hand slides from the wall to his waist. Alex feels dizzy. 

“Do you want to be just friends?” James asks like it’s nothing, like Alex could say yes and he’d be just as happy.

James is his best friend, pulled him out of a dark place and made him feel like he was finally home, and he treasured James as a friend, and he’d rather be just friends than not have James at all because the man means the world to him. But now, pressed up against the corridor wall, Alex is hot and James is burning hotter, staring down at him and holding him in place but giving him as much freedom as he’s ever wished for all at the same time. 

He could have it either way, he knows if he said the words this would never have happened, he knows they would just go back to screaming at video games and late night takeaways - but somehow Alex wants more. James is offering it up. 

“I don’t think so-“ Alex says lowly, almost a whisper, lifting his hips up barely off the wall to push back into James. 

“Yeah?” James breaths, once more like he can’t believe it’s real. 

“Yeah.”

Then it’s almost a blur, Alex feels like he’s suffocating yet soaring all at the same time. James kisses him with as much intensity as how he stares, like he can never get enough as he leads - Alex makes some sort of embarrassing noise in the back of his throat. 

James’s hand releases Alex’s wrists and moves to grip his waist with his other hand, feeling up by his ribs and pinning him against the wall - and all Alex can seem to do is try to stay standing. 

“You could have just talked to me,” James mumbles into Alex’s lips. 

“Probably should’ve.”

“Will’s gonna have a fit when he finds out.” 

Alex laughs, “Probably deserves it.”


End file.
